Brokeback Mountain

Yeah - I went w/a friend to see it yesterday. I jokingly told him I was going for the cruising. Ok - there was probably a shred of truth to it. Isn't everyone kind of curious to see who attends?

As it turns out I was the best looking person there - and I think we all know my issues w/self-esteem and my looks. So me stating this is not a huge ego thing. But as cruising goes - I've never necessarily gravitate towards the 'pretty' ones anyway. Give me a man who gives off an attitude anyday. A swagger. Someone who carries himself w/confidence a gym body can't bring.

Anyhooo.....it was a 12n showing on New Year's Day and all of 40 seats were taken. I think anyone from this blog would surmise that I'm not shy - per se. So why did I feel like I was buying tickets to a fuckin' porn theatre when I purchased "two...for Brokeback Mountain, please" and the only person near me was a male friend? The same pang struck me getting popcorn when the clerk asked us what we were here to see. (Oddly - never ever ever ever has a popcorn attendant asked my movie choice!) None of this was helped that the movie is showing in 3 theatres only in NE Ohio. If you haven't been here - we are NOT L.A., DC, NYC or Chicago. We are more backwards that you can in-fucking-magine.

The good news is - the movie is great. No one laughed, snickered or 'ewwwwwwed' at the man-on-man action. Heath Ledger pulled off a great role. The story was done justice. But what is with the girl from the Princess Diaries being (mis)cast in this? She didn't age 20+ yrs over the movie timeline. She looked like an 18 yo in a bad wig. A really really bad wig.

Back to the story. Done so well, yet my pangs (other pangs) returned for unknown reasons. Believe it or not (and you wouldn't from this blog) but I have loved. To love that deeply and that long - and not for all the wrong reasons. Trapped in who you are, what you feel and what you feel you can't be. What fag hasn't felt that (yes, i'm excluding you straights from this conversation!)? Even the most out gay man takes steps back now and again when it comes to acceptance b/c of who and how they love. The scary thing is - we even do it w/in the gay community.

Reread my blog. All of this is not love. Much of it is not. Some of it is if you can really read between the lines. The truth is - I can't always be who I am or love whom I want due to my own speedbumps. I mean - do you think my relationship minded gay friends even know this blog exists?

There is a perverseness in this (and me) that isn't deemed socially acceptable - even in gay life standards. It is the same perverseness that Ennis felt about himself and his relationship w/Jack. Slightly different level - but you get the idea.

Buy a ticket. Go see it.